How I’m (re)finding myself as a mom

& thoughts on losing yourself in motherhood

Something about my kids getting older makes me emotional, and I don’t know if it’s because I feel pressure to figure things out for myself or if it’s because I feel the need to let the reins go a tiny bit. Or maybe it’s a mixture of both of these things and the concept of a spotlight on me, instead of them. In talking with a girlfriend, while our kids were playing this topic came up about our kids getting older and feeling the desire to either A. have another baby or B. the pressure to focus on our own identity and personal development. I think the latter is a tough one to process, especially if you stepped away from full-time work to be a primary full-time caretaker. Because it’s not as simple as saying my kids are bigger and I’m ready to go back to full-time work outside of the home. It’s deeper and more than that, our kids need us just as much as they get older and are past the baby, toddler & preschool years. They just need us in a different capacity which is equally as mentally and physically time consuming. But a small part of this is — my kids are in school for a few hours daily, or a few times a week, and I have a tiny window of (freedom?) to do what I want. But what is it that I even want to do with this time? I think that’s the part that is challenging. We are presented with a very small window to have time for ourselves but the mindset shift from mom to individual takes more than a time block. It takes work and reflection and when you’re in the thick of it, that time is hard to carve out, and on the flip side once you get a taste of it and have the interests and hobbies nailed down they require more than a few hours every week.

I think this is part of the reason so many moms feel like they lose themselves in motherhood. We wrap our lives around our children so deeply, then when it’s time to let go (meaning give them more independence, hence we get a tiny bit of time) we don't know where to turn and what to do. As someone who just went through this transition, meaning my youngest started school in the Fall, and I get a total of 7.5 hours a week to myself while both my boys overlap at school. Has this been a game changer? Yes. Has it also been a race against the clock many days? Yes. But in turn, it’s given me a small opportunity to reflect and choose what I want to do during that time. Some days have been running errands, phone calls or home admin. Some days have been meeting with clients or doing work for a client from home. Some days are breakfast with a friend or getting my nails done. The beauty in this has been getting to choose and having a taste of time without my children. So I wanted to take this time to share what I’m doing (and have done) to (re)find my own identity and interests after exiting the baby phase.

For me, (re)finding myself fell under these five categories

1. Reflection - for me that was making a list of all the things I enjoy, that I’m good at or that make me happy and affect my well being in a positive way

Reading, writing, being creative, drinking my coffee in peace, having a minute to think and process before starting the day with the kids, spending time with people I care about, mental well being (ie meditation, journaling), reflecting back on questions and games I’d play when i was younger (I would do this with my childhood best friend), like reminiscing on your top favorite songs or movies. And for me, it brought up this feeling of why is that my favorite, what memories do I have from that song, movie etc.

2. Investing time in meaningful relationships

I have shared this before here and in real life with many friends: I feel overwhelmed by motherhood, the love, the tasks, chores, decisions. It's a “good” overwhelmed and I don't even like that word to describe it, but I'm not sure what else to label the feeling. Sometimes I meet a task with a sigh of ugh, and sometimes I’m so excited by all the to dos even though it's overwhelming to me. That being said, in the past year I really looked at my adult friendships (from childhood, college & adulthood etc.) and made it a priority to prioritize the friendships that stuck out to me. Making the time to see the people that make me feel good, and in turn that show me that I matter to them too. The time I have is so limited and if I’m going to have breakfast with a girlfriend, a phone date, go for a walk, a girls dinner or anything like that it’s going to be with people that truly mean something to me and have shown that I mean something to them. The conversations aren’t mediocre and we’re talking personal and it always feels so fulfilling afterwards. It makes me feel like me again.

3. Focusing on my own self care

My life right now revolves around my kids, what are they eating, wearing, acting, saying, what activities are they doing and what friends are they spending time with. I spent years not caring about my make up, hair, and personal appearance because I just didn’t have the time to. Now it’s different. I prioritize working out (from home), I try to get my haircut 2-3 times a year, doctors appointments are booked out, beauty appointments are on the calendar and I spend time 15 minutes doing my hair and make up daily. I wear very minimal makeup but it’s important to me that I look like me when I see myself in the mirror and not say what happened to Bridget today? Although there are days I look in the mirror and wonder what happened even though I’m wearing make up.

4. Personal growth and interests

This may be the hardest one, but investing time in interests and hobbies. I have always kept a list of goals or things I always wanted to do (i.e. start writing, sharing more, start a business) and I challenged myself this year to push to do the things I always talked about or even explore them. I think the first step here is just thinking about what it is you truly enjoy doing or what you dream about doing. And writing it down. Even reflecting back to when you were little and thinking about what you used to say you wanted to be when you grew up and tapping into that — even if it’s just reminiscing on it. My own experience was connecting with the MotherUntitled community and building small connections with women that we’re going through similar life experiences to me. If you’re a mom on career pause and trying to explore this topic more I highly recommend reading The Power Pause.

5. And last but not least, getting dressed!

Might sound cliche but a big part of this was finding my personal style. Dressing for myself and getting dressed in real clothes. Even though I knew they may get dirty, I thought, hey I’m worth it to spend 5 minutes putting something on that I feel good in. I invest time in this regularly and strategically plan my purchases for each season so that I can have a well rounded but not overdone wardrobe. It is the best time spent, the best investment, and it doesn’t need to include wearing jeans everyday — this can look differently for everyone. I have many days I’m wearing leggings and sneakers, I just get creative with the rest of my outfit so I feel put together.

My vision board for (re)finding myself (all pictures sourced on Pinterest)

To close this out —

For me I already knew and had envisioned some of the things I wanted to explore when I had the time. And there’s still plenty of things that I want to do that I haven’t even explored because they aren’t in the cards for me right now (like taking an art class or a dance class). The biggest challenge is juggling and keeping everything afloat. It’s crazy how much you can get done when you actually enjoy something and it’s for you. Not tied to money, or responsibility, just tied to general interest and passion.

I’m not saying I’ve figured it all out and the jury is still out on if I’m done having kids but I will say figuring out who I am as my kids have gotten older and keeping a pulse on my own identity has been so beneficial. It’s been nice to get to know me again after becoming a mom and understand what truly makes me, me.

Until next time!!